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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.