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First fart at my new job.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.