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I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.