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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."