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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.