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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.