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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.