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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I liked you better before we met.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.