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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.