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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.