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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time