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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps