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I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.