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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"