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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?