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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.