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That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.