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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.