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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
High-five a veteran today.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.