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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.