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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Valentines day
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...