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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.