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Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.