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Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.