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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches