Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.