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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.