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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?