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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Hard butter is the devil.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...