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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
My house has really let itself go.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.