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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
My mind has a mind of its own.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point