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Quiet people have the loudest minds.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?