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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..