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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.