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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.