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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
I like people... From a distance.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.