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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.