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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.