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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!