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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?