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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3