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If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"