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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
This status has been censored by Facebook
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.