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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong