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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.