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My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.