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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.