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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.