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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point