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I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.