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My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem