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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.