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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.