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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
really vry funny
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.