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Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.