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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!