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For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Ride me like you stole me.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.