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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.