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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"