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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.