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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there