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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?