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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
My internet goes out more than I do.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards