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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.