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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, Iām ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.