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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.