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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.