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I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”