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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.