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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
I am hungry 25 hours a day
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.