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Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...