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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.