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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?