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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D