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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.