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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.