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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of