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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)