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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.