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If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"