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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels