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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.