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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.