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I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.