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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.