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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100