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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.