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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."