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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.