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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.