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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
It was all so different before everything changed.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds