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So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.