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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.