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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"