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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!