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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?