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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"