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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.