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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.