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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?