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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!