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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Hash browns not tags.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.