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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.