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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.