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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.