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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?