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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Word for the day is asstard
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.