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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"