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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
So long pants! See you Monday!
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.