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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?