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Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there