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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.