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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.