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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
People will do odd things to get even.
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!