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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.