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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!