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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I don`t care about your status...
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.