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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"