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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either