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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.