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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Never squat with your spurs on
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.