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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
That`s not how I met your mother.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.