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Partying on my level requires years of training.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.