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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium