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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.