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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.