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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Iβm an only child, and Iβm still not the favorite.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
That moment when youβre talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because youβre just so hilarious.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
You know itβs going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts withβ¦ βAre you sitting down?β
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Iβve decided to get rid of my bad habitsβ¦just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.